woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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