I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
