Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
