got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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