The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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