just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
