well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There's always time for handjobs
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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