Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My life is pants optional.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
