Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
