I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize