I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
