Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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