Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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