i think my tv is drunk
...so i touched it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
