I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize