It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
