You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
