My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
