I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
