I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
