He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
