sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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