do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I stole a fireplace last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
