Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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