She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
