Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
