I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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