please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Vodka?
Forever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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