Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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