I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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