I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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