it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
