just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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