Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
