We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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