I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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