census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
