He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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