Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have fence marks all over my body
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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