Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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