PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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