i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
