SEEEEXXX PLEASE
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
