you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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