I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
