I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
