So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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