I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize