Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
