My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I want a musical about memes.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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