i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
