My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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