he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
