Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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