Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
